It was all around me and yet I was all alone. The intrusive thoughts that is.
“It was all around me and yet I was all alone. The intrusive thoughts that is. They were constant, and I thought I was the only one to have ever experienced this. Well me and the crazy moms in the horror movies. One afternoon about three weeks after my emergency c-section I exploded into tears just as I shut the bathroom door upstairs. I had held it in long enough to escape that happiness in the living room downstairs where my mom and husband sat with my son. When was I supposed to share with them the thoughts running through my head. On the commercial break of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.? During bath time in the sink that night? How could I be thinking about my son being dropped, or even thrown down the stairs? Why was this happening to me?! I could not breathe from the fear I had in my head. I was so overwhelmed and alone. I had to turn to someone, so I called my best friend. Within minutes of our conversation, I learned her mom had these thoughts too after birth. That changed everything for me. If my best friend’s mom got through this, then I could get through it too. As quickly as I breathed a sigh of relief I started to open my eyes to the world of women who shared these stories of intrusive thoughts after birth. From then on I’ve been determined to be there for women who are experiencing scary thoughts. Now, almost two years after birth I am a postpartum doula and working to become a sleep specialist. I am an advocate for mothers. I am a friend to anyone who needs to talk about the reality of postpartum. I am transparent in my motherhood because we deserve that. We all deserve honest open conversations about what can happen after birth and how our brains are so incredibly impacted. I have learned so much from the darkness I experienced. Postpartum depression and anxiety may have stolen some of the most precious moments of my sons early life but from them, I will spread awareness and love for the rest of his life and my motherhood.”